I realise, part of the reason why my two musume and I are so close, are a result of many factors. We hung out together very often. We conversed over skype very often. We exposed ourselves more to each other. If you want to talk about how bad an aftertaste the chalet incident left us (my musume more than the rest), I'd say I've already experienced my own shit 2 years ago. To say I don't have a deep resentment towards the club is an understatement - it's not great, but it's always been there ever since. And the more detached I am from the club, the darker it is.
I fully bore the brunt of people's wrath when it wasn't completely my fault. At that time I was also highly strung and so stressed over assignments that I broke down on the spot. Without anyone knowing.
No one saw me cry. I didn't let anyone know what I was going through. Those who PMed me trying to get me to let it out, I only told them "what I thought I was trying to prove". In actual fact, I wasn't trying to do anything. It was merely an innocent act thought up on the spot with several others, yet I suffered the repercussions of an action I wasn't even the mastermind of.
Because of that, I saw through the hidden dark side of the club I thought I loved. As a result, that chalet incident borne out of personal grudge and jealously wasn't much of a surprise - I've already known the dark side of the club, and I'm not speaking in figurative terms.
Because of it, I hated doing pair shots even more. I never let myself be involved in comparing who's more dominant than who. I will never allow myself to be involved in any discussion regarding who's more seme, who's the uke. If others agree, up to them. But I will never compare myself with anyone.
Not anymore. If the chalet shitstorm left a bitter aftertaste in people, then that incident left a deep resentment in me.
I told no one how badly it affected me. Honestly I have no idea myself, because I don't bear grudges for long; not because I'm a forgiving person, but because I can't care less. As long as it doesn't ruin my life, I won't give a damn.
It will never surface again. I refuse to let it surface. After all I'm graduating in three months. Whatever happens to the club isn't my issue anymore.
No wonder my empathy is so bloody low.