I think I'm out of it. Perhaps I am. Gotta stop feeling like this. I'm no longer a teen. I'm capable of controlling my emotions. I'm more than capable of schooling my expressions into something neutral.
I'm capable of living without human contact for a short period of time. Sounds unbelievable, but it's nothing major. Traits of being a hikki. Plus I can survive without a phone. I just need a book that's all. Or paper and pen.
The more I write, the more I seem to be reassuring myself I'm still capable of human emotion. The more it seems to imply I am severely deprived of human interaction. The more it seems like I'm behaving like a lonely brat who is afraid of losing his friends.
Ya know, self, it's alright. It's alright to distance yourself. It's alright to think like that, as long as you don't impose on others. It's alright to feel lonely, to keep quiet and not participate. No one is forcing you. No one needs to pay attention to you all the time. You don't need to talk to feel like you belong. You don't need to do things to be part of the crowd.
You're different. No matter how many close friends you have, you cannot hope to change your underlying core - that your thinking is still that of someone who can survive solitude, who has survived solitude and will continue to do so.
You don't have to care. This is not you. So stop it with this impression of self-pity and "the whole world needs to know you're suffering" mindset. Don't even start.
You live your life, they live theirs. Don't interfere. Don't care if they know you or not - haven't you always preferred to be this mysterious friend no one knows much about? Do it. Go for it. So much that all people say is "I thought I knew. Then I realise, I don't know much about her."
Because, seriously. Stop.
Just stop.
