三代目 J Soul Brothers ライブステージの裏側

Looking at Naoto and Naoki's training and stretching makes me feel horribly unfit and inflexible.

Also Naoki looks like a black panther. All feline grace and power. Beautiful.

Can you see the star signs

Blog set up!

http://24shadowfragments.blogspot.sg/

I'll slowly populate it.

Wonder if I can password-lock some posts...

High&Low the Live

HIGH&LOW THE LIVE IS GOOD.

GREAT JOB, GUYS.

MAY THERE BE A DAY I CAN ATTEND MORE LDH CONCERTS.

Congrats if you do manage to find me here. It's a mess and there're most likely broken links and deleted videos, but it's my online haven.

I've decided that my current frustration is due to a need to channel my fangirling and commentary somewhere before I go mad. I need an outlet that doesn't inconvenience people. So, I've decided to create a blog where I will post everything that catches my eye (within copyright, of course). Maybe I'll extend it to other fandoms like tokusatsu, but for now the content is Exile Tribe.

This blog here is too personal for me to want to share it. I've never revealed I've a blog. I have LJ, I have Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. People can follow me there.

I'm not alright at all.

I'm not alright at all.

I'm at the point where I want to cut off all contact on Facebook and Line groups because I cannot deal with this crushing feeling yet.

I don't want to deal with people.

I want to be left alone until I can gather the remaining pieces of me and glue them back.

It's not an excuse for shitty behaviour, but please don't trigger it either. I will do drastic things and I will not regret nor apologise for it.

Usually I'll end up avoiding communication until the next day, or when time passes. Because, this is how I deal. Bringing it up will lead to more conflict, more arguments as both sides try to reason but end up making things worse.

Let it go.

I say it once and for all - I hate being touched. If you offer me a hug, I will reciprocate. This goes both ways. If I offer a hug and you return it, thank you. But if you hug me suddenly, I will push you off.

It.is.fucking.annoying.

Don't try.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Try it at your own risk.

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Last week, I said I would stop posting anything related to LDH on Facebook and LINE until I'm better. Because, not even my beloved fandom is helping me cope. Plus I've always had a tendency to post things my friends like, at the expense of myself.

So, I'm back.

I'm back using this blog to post my fandoms, you who have accompanied me for more than a decade.

I will put everything here. Links, pictures etc. Because, all I need is an avenue to relieve my personal fangirling.

Then, when I reopen my channels, I will only post what they want to see, the posts that will get them excited.

Friends, if you happen to see this, I hope you do realise that I've been trying very hard. But it's ok. I'll cope, as I've always done. There are things where I will not budge, but in fandoms that I really, really love, I'll try harder.

This time, I need more time to recover. But I know I can pull out of my own personal hell. Don't worry, I'm stronger than you think. ^^

I'm done

People come and go.

I've already seen 7 colleagues leave within the span of 6 months ever since I moved into HQ last year.

The 8th is someone I've known longer. Since 2015.

I'm not attached enough to feel more than a simple, quiet resignation. Funny how I'm like this, while other things get me riled up.

My friends say I'm a stubborn, tenacious moron.

I am. Without a doubt.

But right now, I'm weary. There simply is no incentive for me to put in more effort into something that isn't mine to take charge of. I'm a do-er. If you want me to do things, I will do it with the barest, most minimal effort, because without incentives to spur me, you will not get my 100%.

I'm here long enough to know how things work. In addition to my own problems, you can't fool me into thinking that if I just believe, if I work long enough, put in more effort to achieve results, I'll get rewarded. I can't push back my current problems, tell it "Wait, wait till I'm rewarded, then come back and I'll handle it." It doesn't work like that.

Sure you can tell me, there is no revenue, how do I expect to be rewarded? Of course I know this. I've always known this. That is why I no longer care about working so hard. I'll only stress myself unnecessarily. Maybe I disagree with how things are run, maybe I don't care much for the leaders, but I'm done caring.

Another burden has been added on me.

But I will be strong.

They need me now.

I must be more fucked up than I thought

One moment I'm engaged in an animated conversation, the next moment I'm throwing in the towel and taking back everything I've done and clamming up.

The shitty thing is, I'm aware of what I'm doing and what reactions to anticipate. It's like I'm deliberately being manipulative and sly, trying to pinpoint the kind of reaction consistency, and setting myself up to bear the brunt of any anger.

Worse, I don't feel remorse.

I'm not seeking attention, at least I don't think I am. I want to plant the seeds of chaos, then slip away and watch them bloom and wreak havoc from a distance.

I'm calmly thinking it, always watching, always observing. Data analysis. Observe the trends, what is popular.

Then the next moment I'm attempting to retreat into my shell and stop everything and stay away from everyone.

I must be more fucked up than I thought. Or my mental health is breaking down.

Maybe it's time to sit back, not do anything, and watch, and plan my next moves from there.

Hell, I read through this entry and I don't sound coherent.